I’ve always been kind of edgy, but it seemed like the older I got, the more reserved and boring I became. I was looking for the next thing, but I couldn’t find it. I’d go to another therapy training and everything would be the same, just regurgitated with different words.
I first read about Orgasmic Meditation in a newsletter. Then I heard about it through a friend, and then it came up at a women’s group. I thought, ‘I need to find out what this thing is!’
I signed up for a class, saw a live demonstration, and thought, ‘I’ll have what she’s having!’
I was raised Southern Baptist, which is a very strict religion. The attitude is, ‘If you thought it, you sinned,’ so I was screwed either way. I had to recover from all those years of repression. I was holding myself back and living a small life. You were taught to not ask for what you wanted, and that men weren’t going to like you if you asked for too much or if you were too expensive. Now it’s like, ‘If you can’t afford me, then forget it!’ Before, I’d look for the cheapest thing on the menu. Now, I’m not even looking at prices. I’m just looking at what I want!
I’ve been in recovery for 34 years, so I’ve done a lot of inventories on addiction. When I was in my addictions, I used to talk about this hole in my chest. It felt like the wind could blow through and I was just empty.
OM has filled that hole up. I’m not trying to fill myself up with food or money or Ben & Jerry’s or alcohol anymore. I was always trying to fill myself up with things outside of me.
I used to deprive myself, and not ask for what I wanted. Then I’d get resentful. Being able to ask for adjustments in my OMs has completely changed that in the rest of my life. Recently, a lady I’d been working for called me up and asked if I could help her with a part-time gig. She said, “Come in and fill out the paperwork and let’s talk about what you want salary-wise.” I’m like, “OK.” So I doubled my salary and I walked in there confidently and asked for it and got it.
Before, I’d have gone back to what they’d paid me before. This time, I basically said, “You either hire me or you don’t.” Now that I’ve expanded my life, I’m able to help my clients to expand theirs too. I help them work around their shame, as I’ve worked on mine.
After around six months of OMing, my relationships also started to get richer. Things started slowing down: my conversations got deeper, I started asking more questions, and I was able to start asking for what I wanted. I used to feel like I always had to reciprocate in sex, but now I don’t feel that way anymore. And I don’t have to commit. It can be a one-night thing or a one-month thing. Before it was more like, ‘Oh, totally good marriage material here.’
I’m more specific about what I want out of bed too. I’ll be specific about what kind of meal I want or what kind of flowers I want my dates to bring me. God hasn’t struck me yet. He’d probably like me to feel this good. In fact, there’s something very spiritual about OMs for me now. I really can’t explain, but it fills me up in some way. I feel full.
I’m back to living on the edge now. These days I say yes to more in my life, whether I’m afraid to or not. I’ve realized that fear and excitement often feel the same in my body. So I’ve started telling myself that I’m not afraid—I’m excited! My motto is: feel the fear, change it to excitement, and do it anyway!