I Love the Size & Shape of My Body
by Angelyna

Once upon a time, the word orgasm meant climax to me. That was before I was introduced to Orgasmic Meditation and understood that orgasm is a continuous line of everything you experience during everyday life. It's how you breathe. It's the feeling of the sun on your skin. It's all of these little pieces in your life. That's what orgasm is.

Unfortunately, it's difficult to understand this. But labeling this moment of explosion that everyone says your body is supposed to have “orgasm,” and making it so important, truly does us a disservice. For decades, because I didn’t have the “ultimate explosion,” I thought there was something broken in me. I took classes on sexuality and sex theory. I tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

I discovered OM soon after I was divorced from Sylvie, my ex. She was asexual and seldom interested in sex. If we did have sex, it ended up being rough on me, triggering my PTSD. We were married for three years, and in that time, I never climaxed with her.

When my best friend was getting married in Colorado, I wasn't up to being a bridesmaid, having gone through a divorce recently. But I definitely was going to the wedding. It was on that flight to Colorado that I met Cary, one of the bridesmaids, and she told me about the practice of Orgasmic Meditation. When she started to describe the practice of OM, her face lit up with excitement. She told me how she had had three OMs before she got on the plane. She had piqued my curiosity! I couldn't imagine anything being more the opposite of my marriage then what she described!

I felt vulnerable and overwhelmed, but I told Cary that I wanted to see the real thing happen. So, I attended a large introduction course where there were about 50 people. After the steps of an OM were described and discussed, the facilitators did a demonstration of the practice right there in front of us. I was mesmerized. At the end of the night, I was determined to have my first OM. So even though I felt a little uncertain, I asked a man in the class to OM with me. He said no, so then I asked one other person. They also said no. And that was it. I was done. I ran to my car and sat there, sobbing, thinking, this is too much.

I'm a heavy person, and I'm 6’2.” People are intimidated by me all the time because I am an Amazon; that was even my rugby name in high school. For me, those two rejections immediately made me think it had to do with my body and how my body was terrifying. So, I sat there in my car, crying, when I heard a knock on my window. One of the women teaching the class asked if we could talk. I remember sitting in the car with her and dissolving saying, “I recently got divorced, and I feel ugly. Even though I know that ‘no’ is a completely acceptable answer, it was really painful to want to try it and then be shut down twice." She said she understood my anxiety and recommended that I try again. I went back in, asked someone else, he said yes and we set up the OM date and time. When the day came, I was very self-conscious, maybe even bordering on freaking out. No one—no one—had seen me naked in the light ever. So, I was having all of these self-conscious thoughts about how I looked. Should I shave? Do I smell okay? And having these thoughts made me feel powerless and unconfident.

I honestly don't remember that first OM, I was so overwhelmed by the anxiety. I know that it felt good. But when it was over, I was crying—sobbing a puddle of mess on the floor. My OM partner was soothing, saying it was okay and that I put too much pressure on myself. He said that I was likely having this reaction because I’d never been seen before in this way. 

I eventually realized that he was right. I think the scariest, most vulnerable moment of an OM is being seen. That 30 seconds when the stroker is describing what they see, it is deep and terrifying. You never know what they're going to say, but that's also the beauty of it. They see something in you that you don't get to see yourself. It can bring out these pieces that you're terrified to show people in your everyday life. And then, all of a sudden, those little pieces get to come out, and they get to be seen, and then suddenly you are more receptive. The noticing step made it much easier for me to accept myself—all of myself.

OM broke through my intimacy brick wall. It’s hard to believe that today, I like my body – I even like it to be seen. I can walk into a room and not feel ashamed of the fact that I'm a larger woman. I can be seen and take compliments. And I can do all of these other things that I was afraid of doing before, like cuddling, or teaching a class, or wearing a low cut fitted blouse. All of the things I do now...I could never have even thought of doing them before OM. It also translates into how I show myself in the world. Today, I want people to see my feminine energy, the proud 6’2” Amazon Woman that I am. And they do! 

Now when they call me an Amazon, I say, “Thank you for noticing.”