Anxiety ruled my world, but I was not aware of it. I was scared, disconnected, and always pushing. At work, in my relationships, and with myself, I would do everything really hard, because I have the energy to push things, to stop them, and all stages in between. I was so scared of anything not working out, and I thought the anxiety was what I needed to push it all forward. Meanwhile, I did not have a connection with my body, except when I was in severe pain. My back, jaw, neck, and shoulder were often hurting, and I had digestive issues.
When my baby was seven months old, I separated from his dad. While I was breastfeeding, working, and recovering from delivering a baby, my ex was out dating women. Therefore, I felt I had to date too. I went to online dating sites, and they were terrible. I was so busy with work and mothering, I didn't have time for texting back and forth and going out to dinner on stressful dates. I needed a more efficient way to meet my need for touch and intimacy that wasn't dating and sex.
Trusty old Google brought me to Orgasmic Meditation. I discovered I could have an intimate experience without having to go through all the evaluating and maneuvering and massaging of egos that dating requires. I could just ask someone to OM, and if he said yes, we'd get in the nest and do this practice together, with no obligations afterwards.
I was pretty excited to have my first OM. It felt empowering to take my pants down and reveal myself to an OM partner. During the stroking, I remember my ears getting hot, and there was tingling in my ear lobes. I could feel the tips of my fingers and my toes, and I felt so alive.
OM gave me the chance to slow down and observe what was happening in my body and my mind. I noticed I had a knee-jerk urge to reciprocate the stroker for his efforts, to touch him or say something, maybe to moan. Then I came back to the understanding that I was doing this for myself, and I didn't have to give anything back. I could even ask for adjustments to get the stroking to feel just how I wanted it.
A further insight came when I realized I can ask for what I want, and I don't have to get it right. And that's perfectly okay. If it's not turning out right, I can ask for something else, and wait and see what happens.
There was one OM partner who I felt especially comfortable with. I had no fear about constantly proposing adjustments. I loved the warmth of the way he would say, “Thank you,” as if he was grateful for every adjustment I requested.
OMing feels wonderful, but just as important is what I learn inside of the practice that I can apply to everyday life. OM sees climax, with its high peak, as different from the more sustained idea of orgasm. I used to crave the excitement of climax in my life and was always pushing hard to go really big. When what I was reaching for would fall through, I'd be bummed or mad, or if it did work out, I'd be exhausted. Now I'm more interested in having orgasm in my life, which to me means finding the beauty in whatever's in front of me, whether it's good or difficult or neither one. I can see the beauty in everything.
These past four years, I've been a stay-at-home mom. There's a lot of internal work I'm doing to handle the hardest role I've ever had. But I can appreciate how much I'm learning, adjusting parts of myself, healing parts of myself.
One skill that helps me cope is the ability OM has given me to create space between myself and my reactions. The meditation practice teaches me to watch and allow whatever is coming up to come up. And in that extra space, there's the opportunity to understand myself or the other person I'm relating to.
In this space, my health has also improved. It used to be that I wouldn't pay attention to pain until it became too intense to ignore. I could have a broken toe, and I'd just figure I'd go to the doctor next week. Now I immediately notice any problem, I label it, and I address it. I understand my body so much better.